When a family breaks up it is usually difficult for everyone. It is like a death which brings with it feelings of grief and loss. Most people need time to get used to the changes and each person's response can be very different. Parents try to grapple with their own feelings while they make practical and very important decisions that will affect the whole family.

Splitting up may mean the end of a special relationship between two adults, but not the end of a relationship between a child and a parent. Children need the ongoing love and support of both parents. The best outcome for a child is usually reached when both parents share the responsibility and all the decisions that affect their child. This means making a shift from being partners to parenting partners (something more like business partners).
Although most parents want to do their best, many parents do not handle this well and some create more suffering for their children who are already in pain from the break-up. For many parents talking to each other is difficult, professional help may be needed. The way in which parents handle splitting up and especially any conflict, has an enormous effect on the way children cope with their lives.
The separation process
The separation process is similar to the process you go through when a loved one dies - it is the process of grief. This process is painful and can take a long time, even years, for some parents to come through. Although people experience it differently, most people go through:
shock and denial - things are very confusing, and it is hard to believe (or perhaps you don't want to believe) that the separation is actually happening
sadness - strong sense of loss, sometimes regret, sometimes guilt
anger and blame - sometimes we blame ourselves or our partner or someone else (whether or not they actually had anything to do with the situation)
resolution or moving forward - accepting the situation, making adjustments to life and getting on with it!
How to tell the children
Children have no say in their family breaking up, but usually are the ones most affected by it.
Talk to them when they're together (if this is possible), so they hear the same message. This will save confusion.
Take into account the age and level of understanding of each child.
Then speak to each separately to make sure they really understand and can ask questions.
Let them know they will be told of all important decisions.
Tell them what is going to happen before the practical separation to sort out their worries about daily decisions, going to a school camp, dentist, sport, party.
Tell them they will need courage.
Let them know that they can't change your decision and they can't bring you back together.
Remind them they have been one of the greatest pleasures of the relationship (only if this is true).
Let them know you will listen to, and take their views seriously but it is the responsibility of adults to make the decisions.
How children react
Children feel insecure and powerless when they see their family break-up.
Children go through a grieving process, but show it differently from adults.
However, because they probably don't really understand why it is happening they often feel:
shocked
angry and sad about the loss of the family unit
abandoned or rejected by the parent who leaves
afraid that if one parent has 'left' the other one may also leave
confused about whether it is all right to love the parent who no longer lives with them
guilty, as though the separation must somehow be their fault
worried about the parent who is not living with them.
How children cope with loss
Children don't show their pain and suffering all at once. They may seem to have got over it and then suddenly it reappears. Children, especially young ones, often don't have the words to express themselves clearly, so they can show their grief in different ways. Some may:
become aggressive or 'naughty'
withdraw
become 'clingy'
act younger than their age, eg children who have been toilet-trained may start to wet or soil again
have nightmares, or find it hard to go to sleep
change their eating patterns
try to be really good at school and at home, and because they appear to be coping, it's easy to think they are not suffering
try to stand up for the parent who is being put down. Some try to protect the parent who seems the weaker
show anger and hostility in play, with their toys, with brothers and sisters, with their friends or with you
show problems in their behavior and get punished, which makes them feel worse do well at school. Others can't concentrate and slip backwards.
Being aware of the sort of feelings your child is going through may help you to understand your child's behavior. Most children are confused and fearful about what will happen. Some are ashamed. They might not say to you what is worrying them because they don't want to see you upset or angry.
Some of the questions they may have:
Who is responsible for me?
Will the house be sold?
What if Mum and Dad cannot agree about us?
Can I decide who I live with?
Will I have to change schools?
What will happen to my pets?
Can I still see my friends?
Will there be enough money to do the things we did before?
What will I do if my other parent leaves or gets sick?
If I am separated from my brothers and sisters, will we still see each other?
Can I have a say about when I see my Dad if I'm not living with him?
Can I make phone calls at any time to my other parent?
How can I tell my friends what's happening?
All these feelings are very normal and just as strong as your own. The only difference is that as an adult you are in a position to make choices and take some control over the decisions. Your children on the other hand feel extremely vulnerable and powerless. It is even more scary when children hear you talking about going to court - this is often linked with doing something wrong or breaking the law.
How parents can feel
You can experience a range of feelings that although normal, may be very confusing, difficult and sometimes scary. You may have a sense of relief and hope.
You may feel powerless in the decision and so feel angry, hurt and rejected.
Your feelings may be so intense that it is easy to overlook, or not cope with what your children need right now.
You may be:
exhausted or resentful from the day to day responsibilities of parenting alone
confused about your child's behavior
angry if you feel the other parent is unreliable or unfair
scared if you feel the other parent will become violent and difficult
lonely when your children are not with you
afraid that your children may not want to be with you and prefer the other parent
worried about dealing with the legal process
feeling good because you have made plans to share the parenting and take care of your children's needs
finding pleasure in having fun with your child
glad that you have more free time.
When you are so upset, try to avoid:
seeing your children as your possessions - they are not - they are people
saying things that you don't mean and might regret later
saying unkind things about the other parent
making your children afraid that they might never see the other parent again
allowing your children to become caught up in the adults' arguments.
(Source: cyh.com)