Dear Dr. Medoff,

My ten-year-old and eight-year-old are always fighting. Most of the time it is just with words, but sometimes it gets physical. What can I do to stop this? From, LeAnn, Boston.
Dear LeAnn,
There is no way to stop siblings from fighting. It is a natural occurrence that takes place in all homes, to some degree. Negotiating conflict with siblings is a great way for kids to learn skills for coping with problems that occur outside the home. Fighting enables kids to practice their verbal, logic, and social skills, as well as helping them work on controlling their emotions.
Allowing your kids to fight also teaches them that being in a relationship means constant compromising, and that it is okay to express your opinions and feelings, rather than holding them in.
As long as kids are not hurting each other physically or saying particularly cruel things to each other, you should let them work out their problems without your intervention as much as possible.
Here are some guidelines for dealing with fighting siblings:
If one or both siblings are getting physically hurt, separate them immediately. Make sure that both kids understand that this is a non-negotiable rule that carries consequences if violated.
Many times, fighting occurs in order to get attention. Giving your kids attention when they fight, particularly if you take sides, only increases the chances that they will fight more. Make sure to give each child your attention in other, positive ways. Avoid setting up competition or comparisons of the children, such as, “Why can’t you clean your room like your brother does?” This type of statement only increases their resentment of each other.
Do not let the kids pull you into minor arguments. Tell them that they need to find a way to solve their problems without you. Leave the room, if necessary. Ignore tattling, unless it involves a dangerous situation.
If you must step in, do it quickly and neatly. Tell them they must take a break and stay away from each other until they calm down. Direct each child to a different activity in a separate part of the house.
Teach your kids skills of communication and fair arguing. Help them express their opinions and desires without attacking the other person. Assist them in clearly stating what they want and why they want it. Show them that they need to compromise on one thing in order to get something that is more important to them. Model this behavior for them in your own relationships.
Beware of playing favorites, or identifying too much with one of your children. Avoid taking the side of the younger, seemingly helpless child, who may very well know exactly how to provoke his older brother; be aware of your tendency to side with the older sibling because you remember what it was like to shoulder blame as the oldest child.
Remind yourself to think long-term. In most families, siblings become closer as they grow older, no matter how much they fought as children. The important thing for you to do is create an environment where both children know they are loved and valued, and where they understand the importance of the family bond.
Lisa Medoff, Ph.D holds a B.A. in psychology, a master’s degree in school counseling, and a Ph.D in child and adolescent development.
(Source: education.com)