I'd been at the doctor's office for three hours, shuffled in and out of a dressing room, one exam room, another exam room, and now, a private waiting room when I felt the weight of this mammogram appointment bear down on me.

It wasn't just the poking and prodding and pain of having my breasts thoroughly examined by two techs and a doctor, it was the whole experience of anticipation and anxiety that made me want to cry. I'm not yet forty, but I have cystic breasts and this means I will do this every year for as long as I live. In that long wait before the doctor waved me in, showed me my films, and confirmed that my upper half is healthy and normal and fine, the thought that I could do this forty more times felt like a lot.
All I could think of was the many stock photos I've seen of smiling women getting mammograms. What are those ladies grinning about with their breast in between plastic plates of a squishing machine? What man conceptualized those shots? Where are the photos of the women saying Hail Marys or wincing or cussing at the tech with their gloved hands in her gown? I kid, but it's clear that even though I was quiet and complicit, it was a loaded appointment.
It is worth it, of course, to peek in and be sure that all is well in there. And I will do it because I am vigilant about testing and check-ups and following doctor's orders. But the whole process makes me understand well why women opt out, even if it is not the best choice, even if they really could use a thorough exam of their breasts.
It's emotional. It can be expensive. It might also be time-consuming. It's a pain. It's also an important way we prioritize our own well-being.
After much back-and-forth last year about when women should begin to have mammograms and how often they should be screened, the decision really should be made with your doctor, taking into account your own health history, family history, medical conditions, and all of those other factors no task force or organization can properly account for. Making the appointment, sitting out the wait, and breathing through any discomfort or emotion that may arise is only up to us, however.
Oprah has said she stays on top of her yearly mammogram by scheduling it near her birthday. A friend of mine chooses Valentine's Day as her target date to make sure she's tending to her breast health regularly. My gynecologist encourages me to make my annual exam and mammogram appointments close to each other so we have a chance to talk about the results of both together. Whatever tricks works best, it's necessary to set aside the excuses and obstacles and just take care of our breast business.
I learned a lot during my long wait. Looking around at the many other women in gowns alongside me, I realized that there are ways I can support myself a bit better in the years to come. I can:
1. Bring a friend. A waiting room is not the ideal setting for catching up and no one will serve you margaritas and chips, but a little bit of friend gossip, moral support, and a hug from a woman who gets it can certainly make the time and experience better.
2. Bring a smart phone or laptop. I cleaned nearly a hundred emails from my inbox, read the New York Times, and caught up on my son's classroom blog. Is that my ideal afternoon? No. But I welcomed the distraction and that I wasn't forced to read the same Redbook that was on the table when I had my mammo last year.
3. Bring snacks. Check with the office to see if this is allowed. If it is, pack a sandwich, granola bars, fruit, water or whatever will keep you calm, hydrated, and as happy as you can be, particularly if you have a long wait in store.
4. Splurge on a favorite magazine or new book. Stop off at a newsstand or bookstore on the way and get the eye candy design mag you otherwise cannot justify paying so much money for or get the new Ann Lamott that you can really dig into or just buy something light-hearted and easy to read to help the time and anticipation pass.
5. Write a mantra or prayer on your hand, a sticky note, or on a piece of paper you can stick in your pocket. When the big squeeze was on, saying my own mantra over and over helped me to inhale and exhale with more ease, relax my shoulders, and remind myself this was all for good. Even if you have no worries when getting mammograms, those moments before, during, and after any kind of testing are a just another great opportunity to say something soothing to yourself.
(Source: shine.yahoo.com)